What fears have you overcome and how?
These are two biggest fears I have overcome these past two years:
Fear of Marriage
I have seen some of my closed friends and relatives who were going through divorce, physical and mental abuse, infidelity, unending conflicts with in-laws, et cetera.
Beforehand, I got this scary picture of marriage in my mind before. I used to see marriage as a nightmare. Therefore, I went through therapy sessions, seminars, counselors, talked with my boyfriend (who is now my hubby) about our vision and mission in marriage, read books about marriage, and many other things. These have helped me a lot to fix my view about marriage, to heal from trauma, to set a solid foundation and set great visions together with my husband.
Thank God, after three years of getting to know each other, attending three pre-marital counseling sessions with my hubby, reading five books about marriage, attending countless seminars about marriage, and so on, we finally decided to get married and I am so happy with my decision.
Fear of Losing Loved Ones
I have never really experienced losing someone really closed to my heart until 2021, I lost two most important people in my life. The first one is Migala, then my 12 months old baby in my tummy.
In March 2021, just three months before I got married, I lost my closest person, Migala. She was the owner of my apartment room when I studied abroad, we were so closed until she called me ‘mi hija’ (read: my daughter in English), I also called her mommy.
By the end of 2020, she was diagnosed with stage 3 cervical cancer. She told me via video call that she is going to chemotherapy, I cried so hard and thought that it was the worst nightmare ever. I prayed to God everyday to heal her and let her be alive for a long long time.
She planned to attend my wedding on June, and we almost booked a flight ticket for her. Until one morning, I got a phone call from her sister crying told me that Migala has passed away. I mourned for days, but then I remember she once told me that she couldn’t wait to meet God and felt happy because God gave her opportunity (by her sickness) to improve her spiritual life before she finally met Him. I learned to accept the fact that I lost her.
Five months after losing Migala, I got married and got pregnant. We were so excited, took a really good care of the baby inside my tummy, until in the beginning of August, I got bad cramps and I bled. I was rushed to hospital, unfortunately I lost my baby too. She was 12 weeks old when we lost her.
It was a nightmare, I got the worst mental breakdown and depression after those lost.
One day my best friend introduced me to a Christian counselor, Ibu Iin, who helped me heal from my depression.
I thank God, after these two loses, I experienced true healing. Now I am still in my journey of healing, but through that experience I found and got to know my inner child, discovered my childhood traumas, and finally forgave people in the past that have hurt me.
One important lesson about losing: “God owns it all. It’s all His. So, in pleasing Him, we live our lives with open hands. We accept what He entrusts us only as stewards, never as owners.”
Bless This Mess 